gold_flamingo (gold_flamingo) wrote,

I'm a quitter!

Tomorrow I’ll be leaving my job of the last couple of years (voluntarily, yes, even given the economy). So this is one of those “about to jump into the unknown” moments, and I find myself fixating on the close-out details of my life in LA (health insurance applications and moving logistics and all that), no doubt as a way to avoid thinking too very hard about what comes next. I remain convinced that my exit from Los Angeles is for the best, and if anything somewhat overdue, and I have no imminent concern about bankruptcy or homelessness, but this does not entirely mitigate the knee-jerk dread of the underdetermined future. I like to think of myself as someone comfortable with change and confident enough in my ability to provide for myself that I don’t need to be stuck in an unsatisfying life for the sake of security. Perhaps the fact that I'm doing all this supports that to some extent. But as the moment of unemployment looms large, I find my excitement about free time and new things and sleeping in tempered by this niggling “but then what?” anxiety. It isn’t particularly rational – I can’t even pin down exactly what eventuality I’m worried about – so I think it’s just that it’s so much easier to picture what I’m giving up than to imagine what I’ll be getting in exchange. No more evenings at cute_anarchy ’s place or Saturday morning farmers’ markets or meals at a favorite restaurant, no more coffee in my kitchen or eighty degree January days or discovering new music at the Hotel Café. And I don’t know yet what I will love about the next place. In place of the solid pillars of my days here I have only hopes. But that’s just how life works.

Other than imminent unemployment, I don’t have much excitement to report. Mr. B has been spending the summer with me, as he is temporarily free of the Ivory Tower, which has of course been extremely nice. As a native New Yorker, he has been surprised to discover that Los Angeles is not actually an outer circle of Hell, and I have had the pleasant experience of re-exploring a familiar place with a new arrival. We have walked to many places to which I would otherwise have driven – enjoyable despite the occasional sunburn or blister. We’ve also tried new restaurants (who knew there was Nepalese food in my neighborhood?), cooked new vegetables, complained about contemporary art, and been morbidly fascinated by Daisy of Love. And at the beginning of September, we’ll be setting off on a cross country road trip, so if you’re somewhere in the contiguous 48 and would like to be added to our itinerary, let me know! Uncertainty about the future aside, I’m very much looking forward to seeing far-flung friends and family – including of course my adorable new niece, who must already be much changed from when I met her two months ago.

So here’s my last update from life as it's been. I’ll let you know what happens next once I get there.

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