gold_flamingo (gold_flamingo) wrote,

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symbolic logic

Some of you may be wondering why you haven’t heard much about the election from me recently. Partially this is because I’ve been busy. But it’s also because I try not to blather here just for the sake of it, and I honestly can’t figure out what there is to say to people who at this stage don’t know who to vote for, or are supporting the wrong guy. Unless they’ve just gotten back from an eight year sabbatical on a deserted island, in which case I’d be happy to bring them up to speed.

But I’ve been struck lately by how Senator McCain kept saying, in the debates, “I know how to do it! I have a plan!” And I thought to myself, what is this guy, a freaking cylon? And it actually seemed like a kind of interesting analogy. Not because I believe he’s an evil robot, or even a morally ambiguous robot, but because their plans (or what little has been disclosed of them) have approximately equal merit. Here’s a quick rundown:

Cylon Plans:
  • In order to safeguard the genetic future of your species, blow up 99.999% of humanity, irradiate the rest, and murderously pursue the handful that got away. Then pin your hopes for reproduction on the few radiation-sick specimens you can still find!
  • In order to colonize planets, first destroy them with massive nuclear attacks, then move in and redecorate.
  • In order to make peace with the humans, give them a nice police state. Execute those who object for ingratitude and poor fashion sense.
  • In order to ensure domestic tranquility, resolve policy questions with debate until consensus is reached, unless that doesn’t work, in which case proceed to civil war.
Senator McCain’s Plans:
  • In order to help the middle class, give tax cuts to wealthy corporations.
  • In order to remedy financial corruption and mismanagement, simply eliminate greed from the human character.
  • In order to maintain good relations with the Pakistanis, cagily imply on network television that you aren’t against attacking targets in their territory – even though you’d never say so in advance, because that would be bad manners. Bonus points for consistently mispronouncing their country’s name.
  • In order to assure the security of the United States, choose a vice president with less foreign policy experience than some six-year-olds. Seriously, I’d been to Russia by that age, as well as a dozen other countries, and while I thought the Soviets were scary, I wouldn’t have recommended bombing them.
So there you are - in the end, it’s not about brains vs. circuitry, or conservative vs. liberal, it’s just about plain old-fashioned foresight and common sense. Now go out and vote as if the future of your civilization depended on it, and remember that good leadership doesn't come from experience, it comes from the judgment to tell when to toss your enemies out the airlock and when to just use that threat as a negotiating point.

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