But I’ve been struck lately by how Senator McCain kept saying, in the debates, “I know how to do it! I have a plan!” And I thought to myself, what is this guy, a freaking cylon? And it actually seemed like a kind of interesting analogy. Not because I believe he’s an evil robot, or even a morally ambiguous robot, but because their plans (or what little has been disclosed of them) have approximately equal merit. Here’s a quick rundown:
- In order to safeguard the genetic future of your species, blow up 99.999% of humanity, irradiate the rest, and murderously pursue the handful that got away. Then pin your hopes for reproduction on the few radiation-sick specimens you can still find!
- In order to colonize planets, first destroy them with massive nuclear attacks, then move in and redecorate.
- In order to make peace with the humans, give them a nice police state. Execute those who object for ingratitude and poor fashion sense.
- In order to ensure domestic tranquility, resolve policy questions with debate until consensus is reached, unless that doesn’t work, in which case proceed to civil war.
- In order to help the middle class, give tax cuts to wealthy corporations.
- In order to remedy financial corruption and mismanagement, simply eliminate greed from the human character.
- In order to maintain good relations with the Pakistanis, cagily imply on network television that you aren’t against attacking targets in their territory – even though you’d never say so in advance, because that would be bad manners. Bonus points for consistently mispronouncing their country’s name.
- In order to assure the security of the United States, choose a vice president with less foreign policy experience than some six-year-olds. Seriously, I’d been to Russia by that age, as well as a dozen other countries, and while I thought the Soviets were scary, I wouldn’t have recommended bombing them.